Why is it that fat people are almost always the most inconsiderate? No one reading this is fat, unless people are anonymously reading my blog, which I seriously, seriously doubt, so I don’t care how offensive or discriminating this sounds.

Here are some pages out of my fat people log:

Monday: Fat girl refused to get up so I could get out of packed bus, so I had to twist around her and got a back cramp. Fat man lumbers slowly down escalator while talking on phone. Obstruction. Stops ¾ way down. Should push him.
Tuesday: Fat man saw that there weren’t any seats left on the upper deck and lingered, leaving me to cling onto the railings for dear life with one hand because the other was holding a laptop and files. Spent 20 perilous minutes on upper deck next to staircase after he shifted his lipids a few steps onto the deck. Second fat man wouldn’t move when person vacated seat so had to stand some more. Bus stops terrifyingly close to the bus in front.
Friday: fat auntie farted SUFFOCATING FART CLOUD THAT TURNED MRT CARRIAGE INTO ROTORUA FOR TWO STOPS. Need to go home and change!

SEE? Fat people are hazards to society!

So, having endured consecutive days of fat-people related annoyances, I got really cheesed off and constructed a letter to the press in my head. I was also planning to take a pot shot at the daycare centre so I could mail it to them with their segment circled in red ink, but it got too long.

That said, this is my letter. Since I obviously don’t have to be politically correct here, I will title it whatever I want. I called it ‘A Breed of Ugly Singaporeans’ in my email, but I will be as caustic as the matter deserves here.

Let’s Breed Out the Ugly Singaporean

I noted with interest the recent launching of the blog www.AreYouBeingServed.com.sg, through which Singaporeans are invited to share their experiences with the service industry, be it good or bad. It is old news that Singapore, so dependent on the tourist dollar, is anxious to paint the ideal image that foreigners might conceive of the Republic. The perpetual Speak Good English Movement is another testament to Singapore’s fixation with public image.

However, if we are to truly become a first-class, First World country, the representation of civil society is also largely measured in terms of the graciousness of our people. It is difficult for us to overlook the government’s valiant endeavours to inculcate social awareness, having been subjected to a plethora of courtesy campaigns over the years. Yet, even as life-sized plastic Courtesy Lions grace our streets and Phua Chu Kang parades around our MRT carriages, Singaporeans continue to display a distinct lack of social etiquette.

No one is stranger to the vast permutations of inconsiderate behavior here. Cab snatching, shoving and seat hogging are just a few symptoms of the Ugly Singaporean that we encounter on a day-to-day basis. And when it comes to the national business of ‘choping’, Singaporeans are a remarkably resourceful bunch. Be it by flippantly tossing a tissue paper packet on a table, or by actively hauling plastic chairs to a parking lot, Singaporeans are experts at utilising the incontestable policy of ‘first-come-first-serve’ in the art of assuring themselves of a place in a congested spot.

Worse still are the Singaporeans who exercise ungraciousness at the expense of others. The elderly, in particular, seem to receive the short end of the stick in such instances. Recently, I witnessed a dispute between two elderly people over an MRT seat – each insisted that the other take it. To my indignation, the languid teenager occupying the – now even more pointedly labeled – ‘Reserved’ seat next to the vacant one merely gazed insolently at this exchange, before dropping back off to sleep, apparently oblivious to the silhouette of our esteemed courtesy mascot, Phua Chu Kang, looming over her head.

On top of that, Singaporeans can quite unabashedly endanger the safety of those around them in their eagerness to serve themselves. Caught in the frenzy of students surging into the library to procure study tables, a friend was actually bodily and deliberately pulled backwards on a flight of stairs. In contrast, another friend observed during his stint on crutches that foreign students would assist him as he struggled to board buses, putting to shame the local students who would simply use the opportunity to scuttle around him up the steps first. (Michelle’s cousin, Carol’s friend.)

Now I can write something about the daycare centre.
There are also Singaporeans who make ungraciousness a business. I have the personal misfortune to reside next to a daycare centre, whose staff do not use the air conditioner, and instead favour turning on the fans and leaving the windows open. They are also fully aware that the centre runs parallel to my house, leaving a distance of approximately 3.3 metres (Oh yes, I measured) between the playrooms and our bedrooms. We have repeatedly requested that the noise level be lowered, but the staff appear to be determined to exude the dual virtues of ecofriendliness and thriftiness. There are some who declare that there is no greater joy than the sound of children’s laughter, but there is decidedly nothing joyful whatsoever about the sound of their screaming, especially when it is one’s personal alarm clock.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to weed out ugliness in Singaporeans, not while the tradition of thoughtlessness is being handed down from generation to generation. The mother who herds her children out of a fast food restaurant, leaving a dumpster-worthy pile of soiled napkins and spilled sauce scattered across the table (as well as the floor) because “the auntie will clean” lays a shaky foundation for the rearing of a gracious young Singaporean.

I am aware that at this point, I have ostensibly neglected to extol gracious Singaporeans for their kind deeds. We are, of course, not a nation of rotten apples. Just yesterday, the sight of a small schoolboy helping a blind person flag and board his bus at the MacRitchie Reservoir bus stop warmed the cockles of my heart.

In case you couldn’t pick up the sarcasm here, I will clarify that I have not actually witnessed a Singaporean in the act of being this proactively gracious and had to ask several people if they had. (They, too, had to think long and hard.) But Shanshan helps blind people, apparently. I suppose this falls in line with her keeping old people company CCA. This actually became a contest between Shan and Julien over who was a kinder Singaporean – Julien claims to have waited for and flagged a bus for an old man who ‘was crippled. And deaf.’ But Shan gets written in because blind people congregate at MacRitchie in their blind people’s association thing. And she's a small boy because that just looks so more 好公民, don't you think?

But the fact remains that many other Singaporeans have, and will continue to, sustain a resolute immunity to the ubiquitous brays of Phua Chu Kang. While we must accept the unfeasibility of completely breeding out the Ugly Singaporean, there are methods yet of minimising rudeness in society, short of dispatching an army of Courtesy Lions across the country. If a Service Squad can operate a blog dedicated to the search for good service, why not an Etiquette Squad? Given our affinity for browsing forums and filing complaints, an online platform may be an effectual way of highlighting the specifics of disgraceful behavior to otherwise ignorant Singaporeans.

I am completely baffled as to how 90% of Singaporeans are content with our level of graciousness. Even if the aforementioned examples of discourtesy were isolated events, and we were, by and large, a gracious people, how would this supercilious, self-indulgent attitude serve us as a forward-moving nation? Would we truly deserve the coveted title of First World next to our Western and fellow Asian counterparts?

If Singaporeans cannot be coaxed into being gracious, perhaps it is time that we be shamed into doing so.

SHAME ON YOU, SINGAPOREANS! I HATE THIS SHITHOLE!

I am so glad my father is not a minister.